Deputized gender police

I've written about blogger Terrence Heath a few times. One of the things he's done is written a series of articles he calls The LGBT Hate Crimes Project. Terrence knew he needed to write about Larry King, but the prospect scared him, even as the one year anniversary of King's death passed by. It took him a while to realize why -- his experiences in middle school were way too close of those that ended in King's death.

Terrence, like Larry, came out in middle school. In Terrence's case, he said it was because it was so obvious there was no reason not to. He was getting bullied anyway. His teachers looked the other way. His parents suggested he read Leviticus. His only way to fight back -- having no place to hide and not being a star in sports -- was to flirt with his tormenters. Throwing gas on the fire? Perhaps, but the only alternative was to simply take it.

A big part of the problem is the long schoolyard tradition of policing gender. Kids are naturally conservative -- they learn how the world is supposed to be and work hard to make things fit. Dan Savage wrote about that problem in The Commitment (highly recommended) when he talked to his 6-year-old son about marrying his partner. The boy insisted men only marry women. This policing is strong, pushing many boys away from anything that might put their manhood in question. Alas, these gender police have so much power because adults give it to them. Kids are bullied for all kinds of reasons (like the size of your front teeth). But as gays gain influence these bullies know they've been deputized. They know the adults around them want gay kids to be bullied to make sure the gays stay invisible. The bullies certainly won't be punished for their crimes, and are sometimes even encouraged with a wink and nod. How many coaches terrorize their boys by saying a girl could do better? But even with anti-bullying laws gay kids know the adult and the law may not help. There will be a time when it is just the gay kid and the bully.

Another way these bullies know they've been deputized is that after such incidents as Larry King's murder, a large number, even a large percentage, of stories are about how the gay kid could have escaped bullying by toning it down. Terrence uses this example: being a gay kid and having to "tone it down" is like putting on shoes a size and a half too small and never being allowed to take them off, in spite of the pain.