True belonging

To my Christian readers, Merry Christmas. To all my other readers I wish you peace and joy in whatever way you celebrate the Solstice and New Year.

A few days ago one might have wondered if we would get a white Christmas in the Detroit area. Then a snowstorm blew through yesterday and handled that issue. On the drive home after the Christmas Eve service at my church with weather reports of more snow today I wondered what my Christmas driving would be like.

The gathering – all of family still in Michigan – was at my sister’s house about 100 miles north of my house. I got on the road much later that I originally thought. Then the usual 1:45 drive turned into a 2:15 adventure. I had sunshine when I left home and sunshine approaching my destination, but in between was a snow storm that slowed traffic to a crawl.

Once at sister’s house I assembled my contribution to the meal, and we ate. Then there was a brief gift exchange (significantly shorter than when a herd of nieces and nephews were in attendance). We had some pleasant conversation and then I thought it best to head home while I could do much of the route in daylight. The trip home was 1:55.

A few days ago I mentioned not being in the mood for Christmas. That has included usually turning off Christmas carols that take over even the classical music radio stations in town. So on my trip north I listened to an NPR program and the next CD up in my car’s sound system (the Saxophone Concerto by Michael Torke is really cool!). NPR covered the entire trip south.

That NPR program this morning was The 1A hosted by Joshua Johnson. This show was a rebroadcast of a conversation with Brené Brown, research professor at the University of Houston. Her latest book is Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to stand Alone. She became known for a TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability, now viewed over 30 million times (I haven’t watched it yet).

I didn’t take notes while driving this morning, so I listened to the 47 minutes again this evening. Here is some of what she talked about.

Brown is a qualitative researcher. She asks people to tell their stories and she draws meaning and principles from them.

Empathy means “I feel with you.” It drives connection. It includes the idea that I could be in your situation, and when I am I’ll need you – we’re here for each other. Sympathy means “I feel for you.” It drives disconnection because it can include condescension – “You poor thing!”

She was asked to define her term “True belonging.” She had thought belonging meant being a part of something bigger than ourselves. But true belonging is a spiritual practice about belonging to yourself. It’s about being so true to yourself you are able to be a part of something larger and about standing alone when required. When we truly belong we are not asked to change who we authentically are. It demands we be who we are. Before we belong to any sort of group we must belong to ourselves. We must know our own self-worth, must believe in our own self. Then we carry belonging with us.

Trying to fit in with a group is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in asks what am I supposed to do, say, feel, and believe in order to not be challenged by a group (which could be the dominant culture). It is a hollow substitute for belonging. It means sacrificing ourselves to achieve it. The connection to others is not real and we can feel lonelier.

We cannot belong to a group of people in a stronger way than we can belong to ourselves. Belonging is not something we negotiate with groups of people.

We are sorting ourselves into factions of like-minded people, but as we do that we are becoming lonelier. In these bunkers of people we have only “common enemy intimacy” – we hate the same people.

Definition of vulnerability: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. We think of vulnerability as weakness, but courage only comes out of vulnerability. Vulnerability is an accurate measure of courage.

Social media does not promote connection. People are emboldened to say things they wouldn’t dare say in person. Social media is a great way to communicate, to decide how to meet in person to build connection, but is horrible as a way to build that connection.

Pain will never be denied. You can’t drink or drug it away, you can’t surround yourself with stuff. Pain will find a way out. Pain, partnered with fear, erupts into blame and rage. A government that supplies you with an opponent to rage against is a very seductive formula.

Blame is a discharge of pain. Its opposite is accountability, an act of vulnerability – accepting concern, making amends.

When confronting opponents here are some practices: People are hard to hate close up, so we should move in. Speak truth to BS, but be civil.

A global problem is rampant dehumanization of people. This is the start of every genocide in history. It begins with language, the names we call each other. We are not biologically wired to be cruel to each other, not wired for hate, violence, rape, murder. To allow ourselves to be cruel we first dehumanize, push people outside the circle of protected humanity. Both the right and left use language to push people away.

Families can be tribal. A family member outside the tribe can have difficulty. The discussion should be about boundaries, what is good and not good to discuss. Do this when emotions are not high. But we don’t want to sever ties unless there is an issue of physical safety or when humanity is denied.

I can be empathetic to people who have vastly different experience – for example, I can relate to the Black Lives Matter movement even when I’m not black. There is something greater – love and compassion. Empathy isn’t about shared experience, but about shared emotion. Do you know rage, pain, joy, grief, love? If so, you can extend empathy. It is about digging to find when I felt afraid, powerless, enraged. Alas, we tend to not be be fluent in emotional identification.

Stop walking through the world looking for evidence you don’t belong. You’ll always find it. Belonging begins in your own heart.

On to some of my own thoughts. I’ve written a lot about ranking (racism, misogyny, etc.) being behind and a part of many of the problems facing the nation and the world (the GOP tax scam is all about ranking). Behind that is the question: Is ranking a natural, perhaps inbred, part of being human? If yes, then we can’t fight it and might as well accept it and our own place in that ranking. If no, then ranking can be swept away and we can work towards a life without it.

I have answered that question for myself, though maybe not in a definitive way that would convince a skeptic. My answer is that ranking is not natural, though we are definitely susceptible to it. Since we live in a culture that teaches it with nearly everything it does we learn it readily. However, humans have constructed culture not built on ranking, such as ancient Crete as discussed in the book The Chalice and the Blade.

Brown’s discussion on dehumanization supports my viewpoint. She says we are not wired to be cruel. Before we can be cruel we must see the other side as not human. Thus ranking is not natural.