Healthy masculinity

The radio program 1A hosted by Joshua Johnson on NPR had an episode that talked about How to Raise Boys. This discussion was prompted by the Gillette ad, “Is this the best a man can get?” The show says the ad calls on men to try to shut down the toxic masculinity displayed by men and boys. Some people praised the ad. A few complained about demonizing masculinity. An aspect of the ad that got a lot of attention was fathers interacting with sons – because the definition to be a man is changing, as is the way parents are raising boys. So who sets the standard? Are there traditional elements of masculinity worth keeping?

It is easy to find the Gillette ad online. YouTube says it has been viewed close to 30 million times. 782K gave it thumbs up, 1.4M gave it thumbs down, 421K left comments. I thought Gillette did a fine job with the ad. But I have a beard and haven’t shaved in 43 years.

Rami Chiaviello is a junior at School Without Walls High School in Washington, DC. He gave the perspective of a boy learning the new ways to be a man. He says he learned about manhood from parents, teachers, other public figures, and movies. The learning begins around 2nd-3rd grade. A big influence was gym class. A boy learns to not cry after a skinned knee because other boys laughed at him. He learned to have tough skin.

Gary Barker is the CEO of the organization Promundo. The organization is 20 years old and is worldwide. Their purpose is to engage men and boys in healthy discussions on masculinity after school and after sport. They teach boys to be healthy and full hearted man, not a harm causing man. The phrase toxic masculinity is not an attack on all aspects of masculinity. Healthy masculinity is about honor, empathy, being responsible for actions and children. Most of us get it.

A worldwide view is of man as the provider. Men who can’t meet that feel angry and frustrated. We’ve spent a lot of effort rewriting the scripts for women and girls. We need to do the same effort to rewrite scripts for men and boys.

Rami says a big part of the script handed to him is be emotionally strong. When bullied, learn from it and move on. He disagrees with the script requiring physical strength. He tries to understand what another is going through and be encouraging to others.

Rami is a member of Club MOST: Men of Strength, sponsored by the Men Can Stop Rape organization. The group meets at school on Fridays at lunch to talk about current events and how they relate to being masculine. Meetings start with a check-in. How is each guy doing and feeling? The rest of the session is a discussion of a topic for a week, usually based on recent news.

Rachel Giese is the author of the book Boys: What it Means to Become a Man. She was asked do we know which aspects of masculinity are worth preserving? She replied, Yes, be tough and strong. But there is a danger – boys told to push their emotions away and that’s not good. They’re taught to be tough even at the expense of their emotional well being.

Humans are divided into two groups, one defined with strength, power, violence, competitiveness, the other defined with softness. We have not yet discussed what this definition does to boys and men especially those who don’t live up to the norms.

Listener comments: A father has thrown out the stereotypes and tries to teach his son through that example. A mother wants to teach her sons to treat girls as equals.

Rachel said her son is a child of color. Such boys are seen as having an excess of masculinity – more aggressive. Values that are prized in white boys are used against boys of color who are more likely to be punished in school or by police. Boys of color are seen as more dangerous.

Gary said masculinity has a social aspect that varies by country. But men in all countries chafe under the restrictions placed on them by their country’s rules of masculinity. Men need a space to talk about how the definitions aren’t working – they cause harm to himself or sister or partner. Men need to be able to talk about dissent. Some men have already been living this, speaking out for equality of women.

Rami was asked what top idea of masculinity he would like to eliminate. He replied: single provider – that the man has to be the breadwinner and the woman takes care of the house.

Joe Rogan, on his podcast, reacted to the Gillette ad. He objected to the perception that masculinity (men) is being equated with evil. Rachel responded: There are norms for men that cause them to do damage to themselves and to others. Comments like this one by Rogan shut the conversation down. We need conversations about how to change behavior around sexual violence.

Host Johnson said male energy exists and I need a healthy outlet for it. Gary responded, but there’s a difference between energy, physicality, and violence. Channeling that energy into sports is good. Don’t vilify that part. Vilify the part about dominance, aggression, and violence.

Rami commented that sharing feelings is not a girly thing.

Listener Kyle commented that he had been injured by violence. We need to talk about boys being violent to each other. Gary replied that boys need to be able to say: I felt pain, I felt fear. But the only outlet boys are allowed is more violence. Men don’t know how to deal with trauma. They need to be able to say I can seek help, I can encourage others to do that too.

A clip featured President Obama saying being a man isn’t to dominate, he is to support.

Shouldn’t we simply be talking about raising better humans? Is discussion by gender important? Johnson, who is gay, found the masculinity issue vital. Where to LGBT people fit in the discussion? Don’t we not only need to revise the curriculum, but to also pull pages out? Rachel added but we can’t ignore gender any more than we can ignore race, class, sexual orientation, or gender identity. GBT boys are bullied a lot for not conforming. A homophobic slur is the most common way to put a man down. The assumption is that men who aren’t straight aren’t real men. We see that in gay boys have higher rates of depression and suicide. Masculinity is tied to heterosexuality, a big problem for boys who aren’t straight – but also for straight men who have feminine mannerisms.

Johnson asks but what about the gay boy attracted to masculine men, and then told such a concept is outdated? That gay boy feels screwed.

Gary added yes, this is confusing. So let’s get beyond the binary. Let’s embrace the gay and straight, male and female. Let’s get away from the gender norms. That’s the freedom we’re after.

To sum up the session Rachel said see your children fully. Kids need to express their full selves. Allow boys to live full lives.

Gary’s summary: Sons need to connect and need to practice empathy. Boys need male nurturing, need to see men not dominating.