Homosexuality and family

Last summer while in a Grand Rapids bookstore I found the book Radical Relations, Lesbian Mothers, Gay Fathers, & Their Children in the United States since World War II by Daniel Winunwe Rivers. I thought stories of same-sex couples raising families before Gay Liberation would be interesting, so I bought the book.

That’s not what I got. Those stories are only mentioned, not presented. The book is scholarly, complete with extensive footnotes. It is about social attitudes, how gays and lesbians coped, and the support groups they organized to help them. The book was rather dry and wordy. Even so I learned a few things.

In the 1950s there was extreme pressure to conform to heterosexual norms. Employers expected the men to be married and have kids. The women were expected to run the house. Homosexuality and children or family was seen as completely incompatible. Gays and lesbians felt that pressure, so many married the opposite sex and produced kids. Then they had a strong fear that if their orientation became known they would lose access to their kids.

In the 1970s that fear was shown to be justified. Gay Liberation had begun and gays and lesbians were coming out of the closet – and losing access to their kids. Being homosexual was seen as an obvious reason to award custody to the other parent and to block visitation. Justification for that was sodomy laws that weren’t repealed until 2003. As these same-sex families with kids became more open, they also began to be studied. LGB organizations began keeping lists of lawyers would take on such custody cases and of expert witnesses would could educate a judge.

Also in the 1970s gay fathers tried communal living. It didn’t last long. Lesbian women also tried it and their efforts were more lasting. These women wanted to raise their daughters outside of patriarchy. There was a problem – what to do with male children? Some of these women wanted to keep to a women only society, or at least maintain some spaces as for only women. Are the boys to be raised by the fathers? If the women raise them what happens when the boys venture into the world (go to school) and are taught about patriarchy?

During the 1980s the use of alternative insemination (they detested the word “artificial”) allowed lesbians to create families without men. Frequently, donors were gay men. But things could get difficult if the gays wanted more contact with their children or the lesbians wanted to sever relations with the donors. Things didn’t go well in the courtroom without a written agreement between the parties. At times things seemed to go worse if there was one.

Of course, there were support groups for gay fathers. However, during the AIDS crisis during much of the 1980s most gay men, fathers or not, needed support just to stay alive as their friends died around them. Their support groups adjusted accordingly.

We’re more familiar with recent history – custody awarded without considering orientation, adoption by same-sex parents, and eventually same-sex marriage.