How to be a man

The NPR show The 1A did an episode on Masculinity and the Next Mass Shooting. The episode’s webpage notes that most mass shooters in the last 20 years are white males age 30 or younger. Does toxic masculinity make some men feel entitled to kill? How can a better definition of masculinity help break the pattern of violence?

Host Joshua Johnson was joined by:

Michael Thompson, a clinical psychologist and co-author of Raising Cain.

Amy Dellinger Page, professor of sociology and department chair, Appalachian State University.

James Hasson, third-year law student at the University of Virginia School of Law; also former Army captain and Afghanistan veteran.

There were also a lot of listeners who participated through calling in and through electronic media.

I listened to the episode (all 47 minutes) and took notes.

Page defined Toxic Masculinity: Actually, an ideal definition is not having one at all. The current definition is binary: we define men as not women. We define femininity and tell boys not to be that. Already there is a conflict between men and women and a devaluing of women and girls along with anything considered feminine. So boys are defined in limited ways. They’re taught to not express the full range of emotions.

Thompson: The idea that a man has to pass a series of tests to win his manhood has been around for thousands of years. The Columbine shootings told America the violence wasn’t just in black neighborhoods. White boys also had issues. Were they not happy in ways we don’t understand?

There has been a huge drop in violent crime over that last couple of decades. So these shootings stand out.

Listener Andrew said he learned manhood from his father, who controlled situations through anger. He is trying to avoid anger as his default response.

Hasson: The parental influence is strongest. 24% of boys grow up in a home without a father. Many shooters didn’t have a father in the home. Many more boys have an emotionally absent or abusive father. Some of these boys do have outside male influence. We learn how to act by watching the men around us.

Hasson: Toxic masculinity is looking at the problem wrong. There is nothing masculine about gunning people down. These incidents also produce heroes, people who put themselves in harms way (and die for it) to protect others. Guns do not convey masculinity. Courage does. We need to promote these traits as we teach masculinity.

Page: There are lots of sources describing masculinity, some of them conflicting. We should be emphasizing compassion and experiencing the full range of emotions.

Listener Connor grew up with mother and grandmother. They said they could not teach him to be a man (there were uncles were around who did), but they could teach him to be a good person.

Thompson: Most important thing is a child is loved (the shooter in Parkland had a horrible childhood, part of it in foster care).

Every boy wants to be loved and respected, accept him as a boy, accept his energy and interests. If he gets that from parents and teachers (who are usually women) he has little need to prove his masculinity. Boys who don’t get that love, respect, and acceptance tend to feel inadequate and cover it with anger and anger becomes the default.

Michael Ian Black wrote a Twitter thread, which the *New York Times* invited him to expand into an article. He said in an interview there are two socially acceptable methods of self-expression men are allowed – withdrawal and rage. Neither is healthy. Men are told to be stoic and strong. When they don’t feel stoic and strong there aren’t many options left.

Johnson says we are taught a third method of self-expression: excellence. If you can run the fastest, if your grades are highest, if your business is successful, that’s another way to be a man. Don’t like your world? Change it. That will make you and your family proud. Yes, this can also be toxic. Why don’t we hear more about that?

Page: The problem with excellence is that it can be achieved by only a handful of people. If you aren’t the best at something you still feel inadequate. We also define success narrowly: money, power, prestige, women. That definition of success (and not necessarily excellence) should also include connecting with family and friends, and having a strong work ethic. But since they aren’t taught men feel they don’t live up to the ideals. Without excellence men are left with withdrawal and rage.

Another Andrew, a listener: The cult of machismo needs to be abolished.

Listener James: Becoming a man is not a rite of passage, but a process. Being a man is accepting responsibility for your actions. Becoming a man should be seen as a positive thing.

Listener Dan who is in the military: We are creating a cult of the warrior. Most of those with lots of guns aren’t fit to serve in the military. Owning a soldier’s gun is a way of being the thing they cannot.

Page: A lot of NRA people are using guns to fill in where they feel inadequate. The good definition of masculinity is not the one taught by culture.

Johnson and Thompson in discussion: Courage and responsibility are good traits for both men and women. What are traits that are unique to men? Alas, at the moment we’re answering that question as: not women. We should be answering the question as being able to be in community and caring for others.

Hassan: Empathy is also a part of being a man, protecting others who are vulnerable. But that isn’t uniquely masculine.

Listener John: Fathers in TV tend to be portrayed as bumbling.

Listener Denise: Also in TV men are belittled – can’t even take out the trash. We’re being conditioned to disrespect men.

Listener Brian learned masculinity from comic books. Superheroes never killed the villain, but turned them over to law enforcement. They were of high integrity. Many of today’s men learn from violent video games.

Page: Violent video games may contribute, but they aren’t the cause. Be careful of those kinds of statements. We need to see men in multidimensional ways, not just bumbling or violent. There are men in the country who do show the whole range of ways to be men.

Listener Carmony: She’s a middle school teacher. Critical to have an environment of acceptance. But increasing class size means more emphasis on controlling behavior and boys tend to be shut down. Teachers get panicky about mandated tests and whether students are learning and one sign of learning is an orderly classroom. Again, boys get shut down. Aggression isn’t bad, but it needs to be channeled, and teachers don’t have time to do that properly. Humor works in diffusing aggression. In all boy classes the boys could be vulnerable to one another. They couldn’t do that in a mixed class.

Listener Rebecca: Social mobility isn’t what it had been, leading to disillusion and aggression.

What we can do:

Hasson: Teach boys that masculinity doesn’t have to be toxic. There can be a positive masculinity.

Thompson: Boys need recess. Bring it back.

A summary and some of my thoughts:

The discussion of what traits were uniquely male caught my attention. It appears there aren’t any. The best ways to be a man – responsibility, empathy, courage, building community, caring for others, protecting the vulnerable – are also the best ways to be a woman – to be human.

Limiting the way a man can express himself, especially when that limit includes not being feminine, is harmful. We need the full multidimensional man. This affects gay men and society’s view of gay men. We frequently don’t and can’t fit the not woman mold and we suffer because of it. We torture ourselves trying to fit the mold and others torture us when we don’t.

Yes, I’m bringing it up again. The reason why masculinity is defined as not woman is because of ranking. If a man is supposed to be ranked above a woman he can’t have any feminine traits. If he does other men will claim a to rank over him.