Male is to masculine

Yesterday, in writing about how the gay rights movement doesn't have a national face, I wrote: "…our defining difference is sex…"

My friend and debate partner responded:

I read this short phrase -- and my sense of objection is immediate. Perhaps you meant "gender". (I frequently think reporters should say "gender" where they write "sex".)

If the LGBT rights movement is about sex acts between partners, the movement gets stuck on the "ick factor" you sometimes mention. But it's no one's business what goes on in private between partners. So long as people are legally free to participate, volunteer, and hurt no one else, I really don't care how they fulfill one another sexually. Ickiness is equally meaningful for heterosexuals.

I'd prefer to see LGBTs argue from high ground. LGBT rights are about human dignity, full citizenship, respect, and equality in the eyes of the law. The lack of those, first under the law and eventually in the full culture, is the defining difference. All lovers, having come to peace with their self-knowledge, values and principles, should feel free to walk the earth with head held high, answerable to no one else. LGBTs have deeply (at least in part, genetically) -held relationship preferences, entirely as worthy of respect as are the heterosexual. Societal issues about interracial and inter-ethnic marriage are entirely comparable in my mind to the issues facing LGBTs.

I used to also think that writers should use gender (as in same-gender marriage) instead of sex. I've read enough from various Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender people to understand a distinction between the terms. The short way to say it is: sex is to gender what male is to masculine. In more detail: sex refers to the form of the genitals, gender refers to a number of other things -- how one perceives him/herself, how society perceives a person, how society divides up what traits are appropriate (or not) for each sex. If we say a man is masculine we mean a biological male is acting in ways society expects a man to act, perhaps taking such actions to the extreme. A feminine male is one who acts in ways society expects a woman to act. Transgender people are those born with genitalia of one sex but think of themselves as being of the opposite gender. In these cases the self-perception wins out over plumbing.

There may be better ways -- more lofty ways -- of saying it, but basically the defining difference between a straight man and a gay man is sex. The loftier ways include talking of sexual orientation and of who we love. But no matter how we dress it up, our opponents are going to think about the act and experience the ick factor.

As for your last paragraph, I've known you long enough (at least 15 years now) that I know well your opinion about LGBT rights (and rights in general). It's still good to hear you say it.

Another blogger thought the original article in the New York Times (which I took at face value) about there not being a face to our movement was idiotic.

The original idea: We need someone to speak for us. Response: Millions speak for us. Don't get in their way by assuming we have to speak with one voice. We (unlike the GOP) don't march in lockstep. There's no way we're going to allow someone to stand in front of such a diverse community and say, "You must agree with me."

If there is one speaker for all of us the whole process will take a lot less time. Response: People forget that ML King didn't wrap up black civil rights in a few years. He built on a process that had been working for a century.

Back to my friend's complaint -- or defining difference is sex. Response: People don't think of the sex lives of our leaders anymore than they thought of the sex lives of other rights leaders, except for those on the extreme right we aren't going to influence anyway.

We focus our efforts on the local level and don't need a national leader. Response: There are a lot of national issues but we were stymied at the national level for 8 years so had to work locally. Besides, national leaders aren't self-appointed nor are they voted on. They arise (if they do) by putting in the effort at the local level. Like King did.

Perhaps the Times can't get a handle on how diverse our community is.