If you don't leave soon

I've heard that many gays who act gay in public -- hold hands, kiss, etc. -- are given dirty looks and are told, "I don't care if you're gay. Just don't flaunt it. I don't want to see it." The usual response by gays is "Well, you flaunt your straightness in public!"

Here is a twist on the original comment, said by a gay man, "I don't care if you are Christian. Just don't flaunt it. Especially not on my doorstep at 8:30 on a Saturday morning." Alas, these visits usually include a variation on the phrase, "Son, you're living in sin…" That prompted a flurry of comments about how to get rid of Mormons or Jehovah's Witness when they come calling. Some of them are threatening -- if you don't get off my property... Others are creative and hilarious.

* Answer the door in the nude, or wearing only a loincloth and holding a machete.

* Flirt with them, doing your best Mae West impersonation.

* Pretend to be crazy and scrounge around until you find a sharp object.

* Ask for their home address so you can show up and try to recruit them into the gay lifestyle.

* Claim to be witches and say, "If you don't leave soon you'll be catching flies with your tongue."

* Remind them that Mormons funneled many millions of dollars into disrupting your love.

* Post the sign, "We're Aztec. We eat missionaries."

* Beat them at their own game by starting your own Agnostic Witness church and go door-to-door in their neighborhood. You can't carry a bible because the AW have a loose-leaf binder.

* Take up as much time as possible on how they are violating the separation of church and state so they won't have time to harass your neighbors (alas, I doubt the neighbors will thank you).

Sometime after the election I had two come to my door. I don't know which church they were from. I asked, "What's your church's policy towards gays." Instead of answering me directly, he began to thumb through is bible. Since they came during a favorite radio program (they always do) I wanted to get rid of them and I could see my ploy didn't work. I said, "I know how easily those passages get misinterpreted. No thanks."

One of the commenters to the original piece said they don't think these missionaries will think of themselves as being hypocritical for not wanting gays to flaunt their love yet flaunting their own religion. They assume everyone is trying to recruit everyone else to their own church. And that's why they are afraid of being recruited into the "gay lifestyle."