The raw deal of masculinity

Writer Brendan Tapley was in Rome and saw men acting affectionately with one another. These men were not necessarily gay, it's that the standards of masculinity are different there. But Tapley reacted to it, was surprised at his reaction, and started poking at it to see what it was really made of.

At least in America boys are trained to go without loving gestures from other boys and from men. This standard is enforced lest a boy (later man) is perceived as being gay. Naturally, this longing for affection from half the population becomes more intense and goes underground. The reaction Tapley felt watching Italian men wasn't disgust, but envy. That was followed by sorrow, that he had allowed the threat of being gay of robbing him of what women and their sisterhood enjoy.

Out current definition of masculinity contains a raw deal. Under the threat of being gay men are cheated and defrauded of male connection. What do men gain if the deal is so bad? Male privilege. Men prefer that because it keeps us from being held accountable. The bar for male relationships is set amazingly low -- the frat party, the battlefield. Men don't want to have to be fully present, intimate, and accountable to women. Women seem to serve as someone to oppress so men can feel superior and better about themselves.

The reason why men hate gays is that gays demonstrate the current definition of masculinity is a raw deal. Though this definition is a straitjacket it is what we know and changing it will be a painful process. It is hard for a man to admit his crime is against himself and he is his own jailor.